6th June 2016

The sun is shining, the birds are singing………no wait, wait, it me that’s singing – that’s right! Let’s try that again……..the sun is shining as I stand at an open window and sing a sweet song as all the creatures outside fly into the room to help clean, dust and generally make my beautiful home shine as I sit cradling the most adorable baby in my arms rocking her back and forth in my rocking chair and soaking in her beauty as she sleeps peacefully. She’s only been up for a feed (which I had done with ease from my blossoming bosom) after sleeping 12 hours because I would not allow anything less.  CRASH BOOM and back to reality!! This was one of the many visions that occurred in that glorious time of being the best mum in the world. Ok, they maybe weren’t all as dramatic and Disney movie ish but they were a glorious time! The time where my baby would be the best dressed baby and we would have matching outfits both looking pristine and well just really drop dead gorgeous.  Back in that time when organic, hand grown, chemical free Quorn (what is Quorn anyway?) would be all we would feed our little bundle of joy. You know what I mean…….back in that time where you would mentally note the grumpy looking mummy in the supermarket berating her toddler and walk away thinking ‘I will never be like that with my child’. You must be with me now, are you? You remember those moments where your life as a mum was just utterly perfect.  Mine even started as far back as a young child. Mum was busy washing the never ending loads of laundry, Dad was busy doing the list of DIY jobs that no doubt we created by trashing something and all I wanted was someone to play ball on the garden with me!  Please mum? No, I’m too busy right now Jennifer. Please Dad? (sigh) no, sorry I can’t right now! Cue stroppy child and stomping feet. ‘I will NEVER say no to MY children!! NEVER!!’  Right, I know you must be all reminiscing about those days, I cannot be the only one, Can I? Come on, you know that time where sleep came easy, peeing alone was, well, just a luxury I never really appreciated and although I was no beauty my body was mine. YES, now you get it!!

Fast forward a few years and those visions became a distant memory and life has changed beyond recognition.  That vision of 12 hours of sleep is very far far far far far away, your matching outfits and drop dead gorgeous look are replaced by a of course still a gorgeous looking baby which you have had to change twenty five million times just to get one photo of them looking pristine and gorgeous so you can show them in years to come how cute they were and as for YOUR drop dead gorgeous look, replace that with the hair up so you don’t lose a clump when pulled by baby, the top that has to be anything but black because black show up every spit up and spew stain. And trousers that have some also questionable stains. Getting dressed up perhaps for a night out is as gorgeous as you feel it gets but that’s if you can keep your eyes open to enjoy it! And as for the blossoming bosom, well where do I start with that one. Do you know what immediately springs to mind – Austin Powers! Have you seen that film when the girls get guns that come out of their bras? Well that’s what the boobs were like – huge will sprays of milk heading in all directions, I really should have renamed myself the milkanator.

Now, let’s head to the kitchen, yes now in your fridge the lines of hand cooked organic Quorn is replaced with……….well pretty much anything that is quick and easy and your adorable child isn’t going to throw back at you. And then where is the grumpy mummy in the supermarket……….well where are you? Yup, there you are!! Why the hell did I think taking three children to a supermarket was a good idea! In which parallel dimension did I assume that super mum me could get around the supermarket with ease and three adorable (NOT) children. Of course they are not going to love this trip and of course I’m going to end up grumpy and stressed as I berate one of them as that smug women with no children side glances me and you can see her thinking, yes I can see you, yes I know I did it too pre children but just don’t you bloody dare…….oh and there it is, I can see it in her eyes, the ‘I’ll never be like that with my children’ look!

Ok, then comes the guilt. No one ever tells you this one. But I’m going to do it! I have to tell you. Guilt, guilt and more guilt is a daily occurrence as a parent. It never ends and looking back at those moments where I just wanted mum and dad to play and they didn’t. What I didn’t see then but I can see it clearly know and feel it oh I can feel it so much it hurts. The guilt in their eyes, that guilt that fills my eyes and heart when I have to say ‘Sorry I can’t right now’ to one of mine. I wish I could go back and take back the strop and say ‘its ok, I understand!’ but what makes me feel marginally better is that someday my kids will get it too  just  like I have.

I think it’s time to fast forward a little more, now I know I’m by no means out of the woods yet but ………..my little(actually bloody huge) darlings are 14, 12 and 10 so I have reached the peeing in peace again(well sometimes) and the 12 hours sleeping(sorry I’m not gloating….well maybe a little)and sometimes, just sometimes we all leave the house looking clean, spit and spew free and well as gorgeous as we can be. Although some of these teenage outfits…….actually don’t get me started on that! That’s one for another day.  We try our very best to make sure they eat well, and although it’s not organic Quorn everyday it’s a balanced(well mostly) diet and we are all still here and striving forward. Supermarkets are still stressful but hey come on I haven’t met many people who enjoy them but its a different experience where when I see  a mummy with little one my hearts goes to them and I try to make sure I smile and send vibes of ‘you are doing a great job’ with that smile.

And, at whatever stage you are at be it, be it the best mum stage, the new mum or the seasoned one. Don’t forget, (and I know this is hard at times) being a mummy is the best job in the world and like any job it has its ups and downs. Every day is a new day and one look at that little (or big) bundle YOU created! Yes, how amazing are we!! Just one look and your heart will swell with love. And at the end of the day that’s all that matters, not the food, not the sleep (but it helps), not the strops, not the pristine look just that love that will last forever. And lastly before I go pull apart my darling little angles as they fight over an ice pop, yes you read it right a frigging ice pop grrrrrr!! Anyway, I would like to address the guilt! I would like to say the guilt has subsided but I have to be honest and say it hasn’t.  As a parent there always seems to be a guilt that floats around inside you but what I have realised is that we have to embrace it and understand that it’s there because we care and want the very best for our children at every age and stage even way back in the times where I was the best mum ever!