Jenny at War

28th October 2017



So today started like any other day in the life of a momma with three nearly teenagers… except my tiny, gorgeous nephew joined us at 8.30am whilst his Momma headed to work.



When she arrived I remember that rushed, chaotic feeling trying to get kiddies to school and childcare – it was like you’d done a full day before you even got to work. So in case you don’t know my kiddies are now 11, 13 and 15 – not little anymore. I’m past the car seats and buggies and all the 5 tonnes of crap you need for those little bundles of joy. To add to my poor sister-in-law’s rush, I needed a lesson in car seat and buggy folding (which I was later to discover was a waste of everyone’s time as it went in one ear and out the other!)


Finally she flew out the door, to try to get nephew number two to school before finally getting to work. Poor thing!!


So, the nephew and Auntie Jenny adventures (or battles) begin!! Right let’s load the car, we have to be in town for 9.30am. Go, go, go, everyone to the car!


The military operation had begun.

Oh yeah nope, I was forgetting 20 month old babies don’t go, go, go!! Well, not in the right direction anyway 😉


Battle number 1 – the car seat!!

Thank god my sister in law had fitted it, she probably knew I wouldn’t have a bloody clue what I was doing but what the hell is with these straps??

Numerous attempts at getting him in (I lost count!) and we are secure and ready to move.

Battle one looked like it was going to be 1- nil to the seat but Auntie Jenny took it in the final moment! Feeling rather smug (big mistake) I made my way into town.


I can do this, yes I can. I’ve done this with my own three for goodness sake! Ok here it comes…….


Battle number 2 – The buggy!!  I was ready for this, I’d had my lesson, I knew what I was doing, I was confident, I was going at it full throttle!

Oh crap… did she say it opens?

Queue 10  minute battle with the buggy.

Final it looked safely set up for placing gorgeous but now getting rather annoyed nephew into.

In he went (looking a little lopsided but hey ho) straps on and ready to roll but oh bloody hell NO!! Here comes the rain, grrrrrrrr!!!


Battle number 3 – The raincover!!

This was one I knew I was going to lose.  Flapping and flying in the wind, rain rolling down my face this is possibly going to be the battle that is going to finish me aaahhhhh!!

And then, out of the car like a Viking warrior came my 15 year old daughter to the rescue. Hope was returning. We went at it together conquering the beast!

On and ready to roll – YES!!! Fist bump!


Off we go for our lovely relaxing walk around the loch. I now start to realise why I was so skinny when my kiddies were this size. Storming around pushing the buggy brought lovely memories of pushing my own ones. I walk along thinking how I must get out walking more and try to shed the now fat ass.  Just then nephew starts getting very excited as a couple of ladies are standing on the track with two little dogs. One has one of those long things that they throw a ball from for the dog to catch. Balls and dogs – nephews beyond excited as he points and garbles “fitbaa”.  This is his most favourite word in the world!


So picture the scene………. it’s a bit like the pied piper and his rats apart from my lack of flute and there are no rats, only dogs. The lady with the ball thrower throws the ball which I should point out now is the same colour as my jacket. Now, I love my jacket but well let’s just says it bright – think lifejacket yellow and puffy, all I need is a top up tube and a whistle to attract attention.


So anyway, the lady throws the ball and these dogs all run at me!! Ignoring the ball.

I say, ‘aw look they want to talk to you’ to nephew. The lady tries again – and again the dogs ignore the ball and run at me.


Then the lady starts laughing, I’m confused. So, surely it turns out they think I’m their ball as I’m the same colour. I’m not thinking it’s quite as funny, am I as fat and round as a ball? I’m sooo getting out walking ASAP, my ass must be flipping gigantic. So, I continue walking, the trauma of looking like a big round ball starting to depress me.


I make it as far as the supermarket and as I step inside the door I contemplate lifting up the rain cover but fear I may never get it back on.  Against my better instincts I set my hand on the middle edge at the bottom and lift. As I lift I hear a massive ripping noise but by the time I realise what it is, it’s too late.  Now, I know what you are thinking but no my fat ass did not burst out of my jeans!  It was the rain cover that daughter had secured with what seems to be super strength Velcro which I did not undo and now the rain cover is in my hand in two pieces. Right that’s it!!! Straight to the chocolate filled croissants……YES I KNOW!!

Think about the fat ass Jenny!! Don’t do it!!


Stuff it, we leave Tesco with me scoffing the massive fat filled treat all the while thinking it was now a pointless trek with the buggy as any pounds I had walked off I have now consumed 100 times over.


Ok, so surely this day’s eventfulness has come to an end! (Dear God, please let it have come to an end………)


Soft play and snack, what can possibly go wrong…. Right?  Auntie Jenny is winning this battle, soft play – success!  Laughter, giggles and running off energy all achieved.  Woohoo!! Snack achieved, well almost.  Small incident with a non-spill cup that only apparently those with a PhD in science can extract the H2O from, but we did it…..eventually.


Aaaah, relax!  You are kicking this baby sitting shizel, Jenny!

Daughter is back and happily playing with nephew so I sit down next to a lovely Mummy I know for a chat. So what can go wrong there? The cleaning staff at the Leisure Centre surely decided to shampoo the floor today but did they warn anyone – em, NO!! So guess where Jenny had sat her fat ass to chat, yup that is correct on the floor. So not only do I have a fat ass, I now have a very soggy and wet fat ass.


As I leave picture this scene…. round (polite word for fat ass) life jacket clad woman who looks likes she has no bladder control.



You are maybe wondering where I am going with all this other than the humiliating myself but I honestly have a point.


Although I know I’ve done the little ones’ stage (and don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not out of the woods – teenagers bring totally different challenges!), I had forgotten how much hard work it is for mummies (and daddies) of little ones, whether you are at home all day or trying to juggle work and home – it is TOUGH and I salute YOU!


The giggles, smiles, and achievements from these amazing little things we have created make it all worthwhile. So ‘lest we forget’ those crazy, chaotic days.  And if you are right in the middle of it, the battles can and will be won (not all – damn you non spill cups and silly folding buggies!) So once your battles of today have been won (or lost) and you crawl into bed tonight, give yourself a big pat on the back, breath deep and prepare for a new day of unknown challenges ahead.


Jenny x


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